Autor: Eileen Lücke

Hello everybody,

do you remember my post about the first two chapters of the audiobook „Take Control of your Life“ by Mel Robbins? If not, you might want to read it before continuing with this post. However, after finishing my first post, I talked some more about these topics with my best friend Julia. She persuaded me to write another post about this topic as there are some more things to say.

In the other post, I talked about how your body reacts to stressful situations before that feeling of stress gets to your brain. Body reactions are different for everyone. When I feel stressed, for example, right before a presentation, I experience a fast heartbeat, I start to feel dizzy, my throat gets tight and my mouth dry. I always want to drink endless water to avoid having problems to speak because of my dry mouth. At the same time, I am scared that I will have to go to the toilet while presenting due to drinking so much water. That could distract me and make me forget what I wanted to say. Very tricky, as you see. In the first post, I told you that since I listened to the audiobook, I tried to realize how my body reacts to stress. That enables me to try to calm down directly when I feel the signs. Here breathing deeply or going for a walk helps me to slow down. But of course, don’t go for a walk when you are supposed to hold a presentation. Mel mentioned one more interesting thing concerning this topic, which I wanted to share with you. She said that the body not only feels stress first but that the reaction to stress is also linked to a very primal reaction. As a reaction to stress, the body starts to produce chemicals to be ready to react to the „situation of danger“ you might be in. Your body doesn’t know if you are stressed about something harmless, or because you are being attacked by something/someone. The thing is, the chemicals are only produced for 90 seconds. So if after 90 seconds there was still no attack, your body stops feeling stressed and the chemicals disappear. That means that if you still feel stressed or anxious after 90 seconds, you decided to stay like that. In my opinion, that’s very interesting, as it means that we can actively decide if we want to feel stressed or not. And as you surely know, feeling stressed or anxious isn’t a good feeling. So why should we decide to continue feeling like that?

You see where that’s going. Feeling stressed, only makes us feel bad and doesn’t help us to escape a stressful situation or to solve our problems. It doesn’t make us more productive or thoughtful. So why don’t we just stop doing that? I certainly will try it! If you want to try it too, firstly you will have to find out how your body reacts in a stressful situation. Then you can start actively stopping that reaction. Mel said that you can, for example, simply count to 90, so you know when the feeling will be over. Or you can use the 90 seconds to do something that calms you, like doing some stretching exercises. Or maybe you sing your favorite song? I know that must sound impossible for you, but I can tell you that I haven’t felt stressed for a while. Although I have so much work to do at university, some projects I want to work on, plus this blog, I didn’t feel stressed once. Even when my best friend spent a weekend at my apartment, so I didn’t do any of my homework, I stayed calm. When I realize, that I am about to speed up and get the feeling that I have so much to do, „when should I do everything?“, I breathe deeply and remember that these thoughts won’t help. I will just work hard and keep going. What I am trying to tell you is that you should stop panicking when you have too much work to do or when you face a problem, as it doesn’t help. Actively stay calm and get your work done. Doing something is the best way of solving your problems and getting your work done on time.

Another thing Mel explained, is that there are fixed and growth mindsets. A fixed mindset means that you don’t think that it is possible to change. People with fixed mindsets are excusing behaviors with the explanation that that’s simply who they are. It’s not their fault. That remembered me of my dad once telling me that at his age you can’t change anymore, as your character is fixed. That would be a fixed mindset I guess. Why shouldn’t it be possible to change our behavior when we get older even if we wanted to? Maybe it gets more difficult as you have been behaving the same for so long, but if you want to change, I believe that you can do it. My mother, for example, changed very much in the last few months and is doing very well. Also, Mel explained that people with fixed mindsets tend to say that trying something new is likely to fail. You can only achieve something if you are talented. People with fixed mindsets are those who always tell you when you have a new idea that it’s not that good or too risky. The thing is, they don’t believe that achievements result from working hard but from being talented. It’s the same as my dad talking about his fixed character. They think that you are who you are. What you can do depends on who you are. I reflected on that topic and I must admit that I sometimes thought like that too. For example, I asked myself if I could become a consultant based on my talent. I tried to find the perfect job for me while trying to find out in which areas I am talented in. Well, that’s pretty much a fixed mindset.

A growth mindset means that achievements depend on work. Therefore, anything is possible if you work hard enough. The funny thing is that I think that I have that mindset too. I studied International Management as a double degree, spending two years in France. When they send me to Reims in 2015 to start the study program there (you can start either in Germany or in France depending on your language skills), I wasn’t very good at French. I don’t know why they chose to send me directly to Reims. But even if I hardly spoke French at that time, I never asked myself if I will fail. I was just so happy to be given the chance to study abroad and to learn more about a new culture. I didn’t think twice before leaving my home to discover „la région du champagne“. And well, even if for months my discussions were based on movies that I have watched, after two years I was able to speak french fluently. Moreover, I left France with A as an overall average mark. Now I am studying logistics, as you may have seen on my website. Here I also asked myself if I am talented enough to do it (fixed mindset). Then I thought that I don’t know, but that I am very passionate about logistics, so I will try and find out. Whatever happens, if I just work hard enough, I could do it. Therefore, I think that it is possible to have both a fixed and growth mindset. Or maybe I am switching between both of them. The thing is, who cares if I am „talented“? What does that even mean? I realized that I should stop spending my time reflecting on what I am good at to decide what I should do. I should rather reflect on what I am energized by. What are things that inspire and motivate me? Well, these are the things I should invest my time in and just work hard to be good at. If I am interested in something, but I have no idea about it, I shouldn’t stop myself from doing it but rather start getting to know more about it! Yes, it is easier to do something in which I am good at. But it isn’t necessarily the thing which makes me happy. Before I started to study in France, I knew nothing about economies neither was my French very good. When I started bouldering, I knew nothing about it. Before starting my master’s degree in logistics I only attended some classes, so I wasn’t very good either. I hope you get what I am trying to tell you. If you want to do something, it doesn’t matter if you are good at it now, it’s the work you put into it that makes the difference.

The last thing I wanted to tell you, is what Mel Robbins said about beating oneself up. It happens more often than one might think that people beat themselves up for something they did. For example, when I made a mistake at work, I felt very very bad about it. Even if it was just a mistake in an E-Mail I wrote. I was angry with myself for making such a mistake and for not paying enough attention. Well, you know what? Everybody makes mistakes. Beating yourself up afterwards doesn’t make it any better. You will just feel worse and stressed out. If you are one of those people and you want to be happier and less stressed, maybe you should stop doing that. I certainly am trying. Here it helps to think about something you achieved or something that makes you happy. When you do make a mistake, try to stay calm and think about that exact moment. It could help to think „Fuck it, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t the end of the world.“ You should learn from your mistakes, but you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.

I hope this post gave you some more insights on how to be less stressed, how to get started, and how to be happier. If you enjoyed this post, I am happy about a comment or a like. Also, if you want to be notified about new posts, just enter your email address on the rights side of this post and click on subscribe. Otherwise, you can follow me on Instagram.

Love, Eileen