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Do you give a fu**?

Hello Everybody,

while working, I started a new audiobook some weeks ago: “the subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson. I have to admit that the amount of fucks used irritated me at first. But the audiobook contains interesting thoughts and facts. If you would use the audiobook for a drinking game (drink every time the word fuck is used), you could end up in a hospital after several minutes. As I found the audiobook helpful, I thought I will write a blog post about it, in case you did not listen to it yet.

Mark Manson talks about how not giving a fuck improves our lives. How we care about too many things. Often things that are small and unimportant. This could be for, for example, being annoyed because the weather is bad or because of an unreasonable fight with your partner. In real life, these incidents do not affect your life. These small things that you are worried about are maybe only a distraction from real problems. Maybe you care a lot about a friend and if he writes you back or not. You spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep that friendship alive. Five years later you might not be friends anymore, so that friend maybe did not affect your life as much as you thought. Sometimes, if you stop overthinking and caring too much, it helps you to decide. Maybe you have a dream that you do not pursue because of your fear of what others might think or because you fear failure. Why don’t you just think “I do not give a fuck, I will do it!”. Then you finally did it. And it could be the best choice of your life.

It is very important to make clear that Mark Manson does not say you should not care at all. Then you would be indifferent, which is as good as being a psychopath. You should rather prioritize what you care about and about what you do not. What do you value? Here he talks about good and bad values. Good values can help you prioritize in a way that makes you happy and successful. Bad values do not. A bad value could be that you want to be a doctor to be admired. A good value would be to be a doctor because of your passion to help others. Because you want to save lives. A doctor who does his job will be happy, while a doctor who wants recognition will maybe search for it forever and therefore never be happy. So, you should think about your values and maybe change them. Prioritize what is important for you and then concentrate on this rather than spending your energy on things that do not affect your life at all.

He also talks about being a failure or being a success. Do you feel like a failure? Why is that so? What should be different? Why is that so important? Is it really that important? He says that metrics influence if you feel like a failure or not. If you feel like a success when you finish your bachelor’s degree with an A, you will be happy when you have that A. When you only feel like a success having that A and being the best student of the year, you might feel like a failure even when you achieved an A. Other people would be perfectly happy with an A. Sometimes it might help to ask yourself if you are being reasonable, and if your metrics are right, when you feel as if you were failing. When I heard that I had to think about friendships. Some friends of mine were angry when I did not write to them regularly and said that they feel distanced. They gave me the feeling of failing as a friend. But I thought about it and I do not think that I fail as a friend if I do not write messages regularly. That is not the metrics I use for being a good friend. If I think about them, if I am there if they need me and listen to their problems, I think that is being a good friend. Writing messages is easy. Being there when you are needed is something different. So if you feel like a failure at some points, ask yourself why. And if you are really failing, do something.

In the audiobook, he talks about a boy who had many physical disabilities. He thought that he can not achieve anything because of his bad health and wanted to take his life. Then he decided to experiment. For one year he will live as if he could influence anything by himself. If he does still not achieve anything, he knows that he really could not change anything, as it is due to the world and his circumstances. He became a very famous philosopher and very successful. Marc Manson says that of course, not everything is your fault. But it is your responsibility. So if you are sick, it is not your fault. But what you decide to do with it, is your responsibility. I really liked that. So when something bad happens to you, it is your choice if you stay unhappy forever, or if you do something. So never give up, because giving up is not because of others, it is because of you.

The last thing he said ( I am not finished listening yet), is that it is normal to be wrong. When you are wrong with something, you learn. Then you are less wrong in the future. If you always try to be right and to avoid mistakes, you never really live. So let’s live, let’s be wrong, let’s get it right next time.

So these are some first insights on the audiobook of Mark Manson. I hope you find it as interesting and helpful as I did. He used many interesting examples in his book, including the Beatles, Metallica, and war. I did not want the blog post to get too long, so if you want to hear more, I recommend you check it out. I got it for free while trying Audible for free for one month. 😉 Just a tip. Have fun!

Love, Eileen

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Take Control of Your Life

Hello Guys,

in this post, I wanted to talk about the audiobook “Take Control of Your Life” by Mel Robbins. I am only in Chapter 2, but it already gave me much to think about.

First of all, you have to know that I am a perfectionist. I know it’s the thing to say when you are asked about your weaknesses in an interview. Sometimes maybe even without knowing why it is a weakness while it sounds so positive. Well, I can tell you that it has its advantages. For example as a perfectionist, you often deliver very good work as you’re always trying to get it perfect. But what other people can’t see is the stress that is linked to being a perfectionist. Maybe some of you are perfectionists too and can relate to what I am trying to say. For example, when you are supposed to create a presentation you put a lot of effort into it. So when it is finished other people might say “hey you did great! You are really good at this stuff.”. What they don’t see, is that you were stressed while creating the presentation. You might have been stressed or anxious just before holding the presentation or sending the presentation to someone because of the fear that it may not be perfect or that there still might be some mistakes you didn’t find.

Maybe you already heard about the 80/20 rule. That means that you put 20% effort into something until you reach the result of 80%. The resting 20% until you reach 100% (therefore the perfect result) need much more input (80%) than it improves your work. That’s why the best thing to do is to stop at 80% to achieve the best result with less effort (efficiency). Well, I can hardly stop at 80%. And here is the problem with perfectionism. Because if you try to do everything until 100% is achieved you will do fewer other projects. Also, the stress I experience while creating the last 20% isn’t fun either.

The audiobook mentioned something very interesting about this. Mel Robbins said that when you are a perfectionist you do less because of your fear of failure. You will tell yourself that you aren’t good enough or that your idea is stupid. So you will never start working on the idea and find out if that’s actually true. That’s what I thought about this blog by the way. At first, I said, well I love writing and sharing my thoughts, but I am sure nobody will be interested in them. Well, that’s me finding out whether that’s true. Mel Robbins motivated me to start my projects rather than thinking about them and convincing myself of being not good enough. I hope you might feel inspired to think about that, about your projects and ideas. My advice is to just try and start some of them. What could possibly happen? Just start out small and take small steps from there. Then you don’t risk losing too much right away.

Also, the audiobook talked about having big plans rather than taking small steps. If you have ideas but you think too big you might never start because you get too afraid. The project might start to look too large to be realized. Moreover, it’s possible to invest too much too early while starting a new project. For example, I like the idea of having my own consulting agency. But as I never worked in consulting (if you don’t count the university projects) I don’t know if I will enjoy having my consulting firm. So maybe I shouldn’t start by creating my firm and investing my whole money in this project, just to realize in the end that I don’t like it at all. It is more sensitive to take a small step towards my dream by starting at a consulting agency and experiencing what working in such a position feels like. If I enjoy doing it not only thinking about it. So if you have an idea, don’t just think about it, but try to take small steps towards it to find out whether that idea is working and whether you enjoy it. That’s what I am doing right now writing my first blog! And if you are reading this maybe it is working. At least I am having a lot of fun that I can say.

Furthermore, Mel Robbins says that passion isn’t being talented but being energized by something. She says that you should pay more attention if you are energized by something you’re doing or if you are stressed. Do more things that energize you to get happier. That’s just an amazing idea! Why didn’t I think of that before? Since I heard Mel saying that I decided that I should try doing more things that energize me and fewer things I don’t like. Don’t misunderstand me, there are always things we don’t like we still have to do. Just like taking the trash out or walking the dog when we are feeling lazy and it’s cold and rainy outside. But regarding your friends, your job and your hobbies, why not choosing the ones that give you energy and inspire you?

Also, Mel mentioned that you can do things because of motivation or because of fear. I realized that sometimes the reason why you do something and how you feel while doing it can change quite fast and unnoticed. I experienced this just recently at my most favorite hobby which is bouldering. I started bouldering around June 2019 and I started to do it regularly in November. Because of Covid-19, there was no possibility to do it for three months so I can’t wait to do it again. Well at first when I started bouldering I just loved the experience of climbing. It energizes me to feel my muscles and my strength grow. Moreover, there were amazing people who made climbing even more fun. Then some people started saying that I am “strong” and how quickly I became better. I started bouldering with people who were doing it for almost five years and who were pretty good. I think that’s the moment when my motivation started to change. I became more stressed to be “strong”. I was frustrated when after four months of climbing I still wasn’t as good as the others who were climbing for five years. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds but that’s how I started to feel. I was stressed out and my expectations for myself were way too high. Well, the end of it was that I had an accident in march where my left knee got hurt badly. I think one of the reasons why it happened was that I went bouldering not feeling great that day. I thought that if I didn’t go I would become even weaker. Now looking back I realize I shouldn’t feel like that while doing something I love. So now I am working out every second day to get stronger and to get back to good health so that when I can go bouldering again I will be ready. But I will start small and without stress, just enjoying the feeling of climbing and enjoying the discussions with the people there. All I can say is, never let you beat yourself up while doing something you love just because you have too high expectations. Work hard, yes, but never stop enjoying it.

The last thing which struck me while listening to “Take Control of Your Life” was that Mel Robbins said that you can stop the feeling of fear taking over if you learn to listen to your body. Because your body feels the stress and fear before your brain even realizes it. That’s something I will try when I feel stressed before sending an important E-Mail or before presenting one of my projects. So when I feel the signs of stress, which are different for everyone, I will breathe deeply five times and slow down. Then I will start doing, not start panicking. I know that sounds simpler than it is, but after some exercising, it works. What’s important here is to try to understand the reason why you are getting stressed in specific situations. The reason might be a tiny moment in your life, it could be anything. I think the reason why I am a perfectionist could be that when I made mistakes when I was a child, my mum got very angry. For example, when I tidied up the apartment she only saw what wasn’t perfect. So I tried to do everything perfectly to stop her from being unhappy with me.

What I found pretty interesting is that Mel talked about an experiment some scientists of the University of Iowa conducted. In the experiment, also called the Iowa Gambling Task, people were asked to pick cards of four decks. The card could be good or bad. Depending on the card they pick, the participants will win or lose game money. The behavior of the test subjects was measured via electrodes attached to their palms. The result of the experiment was that the bodies of the people picking the cards realized after several cards which deck was more likely to contain good cards and which one contains bad cards. The body showed signs of fear or stress just before the test subjects were about to pick from a losing deck. The interesting thing is, that the participants understood many cards later which decks were more good or bad. That means that if they would have listened to their body signs, they would have realized much earlier from which deck they should pick. That`s not only showing that your body experiences fear and stress before it reaches your brain, but also that if you listen to your body you may better understand what’s good for you and what`s not. I know that might not sound new but as it is scientifically proven that our bodies understand some things faster than our brains do, it motivates me to try to better understand the signs of my body to be able to know what I should or shouldn’t do. So use your body signs to stop panicking while doing something stressful and to do more of the things which are good for you.

Now you finished reading the first blog I ever wrote. I hope you can find some of my insights on the first two chapters of “Take Control of Your Life” and on some of my experiences and thoughts useful. Please feel free to comment or like if you enjoyed my post.

See you soon, when I am publishing my second blog. How exciting!

Love, Eileen